what lies behind the smiles...

i may be smilling and cheerful most of the time outwardly, i am not at all happy sometimes inwardly. The new year is not a good start and a refreshing start for me.People started their new year with a huge and happening countdowns in various places, i spend the last few moments of 2008 and the first few hours of the year 2009 alone, all alone at home. It seems to be no big deal, a lot of people stays at home and do nothing to usher the new year, but i just dont like the feeling of being alone without ppl accompanying me.

When i knew that i will be the President Elect for the Rotaract Club of ATC,I was delighted as first.. but this doesnt last for long .. for i know .. criticisms will come .. to a certain extend,i hate holding high post in a club or gaining status in a society.this is because, inevitably and unavoidably, ppl's attention will focus on me, and next various comment will come ... i sometimes really prefer to be just an ordinary guy sitting in the library with no one knowing who i am. For the first time(i'm not trying to be boostful), someone actually doubted my leadership skills and what more, commenting it on a major rotary event. It's ok if he knows me personally and worked with me before.. The point being, He dont even know me personally and who is he to comment on me. I know it will be a tough year ahead of me ... but at the very least.i'm thankful that the senior rotaractors are all behind and willing to give me their full support. It's really nice working with them.

I was really shaken by this, and i began to doubt myself as well, not only as a rotaractor but as in the whole Daniel. I no longer know what i can do, i no longer know what i can contribute to both rotaract, studies, relationship and my family. I began to feel tired and restless.Putting that aside, the bulk of studies which i have, make it worst.Counting the days i have before revision and actual exam, it makes me shiver and i m doubtful whether i am running a no-aim race.There is of no doubt that, relationship brings not only joy and happiness but problems as well. It is really depressing at times, but i'll trust that it will turn out to be better and the quality of our relationship will be determined by how do we actually survived through this time of trials.

i can just hope that most of the things will turn out to be good soon ... a bad start will not necessary mean that my whole year will be a bad 1 .